Neutral Addiction
09 May 2012 5 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: anti mini van, Dyson DC41 animal, Dyson DS24, neutral addiction
I haven’t blogged in awhile. Let that be an indication of just how busy things have been around here. As always things have been full of life and laughter. Except for today. No today wasn’t full of much life, or laughter at all. As a matter of fact the life of my dyson was ended today, well technically yesterday but today she officially bit the dust (no pun intended because in fact she didn’t bite the dust at all). Its been inevitable for a couple of reasons, first being that I have a neutral addiction to vacuuming. If your unfamilar with what this means I’ll give you the official definition here:
“A neutral addiction is an activity like lawn mowing or car repair. While these addictions are closer to hobbies than addictions they can have either positive or negative influence on the most important aspects of a person’s life. A person may or may not want to perform the addictive activity but feels the activity must be done in order to maintain balance in life. On some occasions, a neutral addiction can be closely compared to an obsessive-compulsive disorder.”
Three children, a dog and cat, that damn Dyson really never stood a chance. It started with the cord needing to be placed in a “special” position for it to even turn on, then came the zapping noise, followed dangerously close by smoke at which point Dyson no longer felt like part of my family and he went flying not so gracefully out the door. Dyson was commonly referred to as a member of this family. He was always around, because of my neutral addiction I just left him plugged in at random places throughout the house. I vacuumed on average 3 times a day, often times its more. In fact I find the sound of the vacuum running to be so calming that frequently if you walked into my house Dyson would just be turned on, in place while I did dishes or my hair. Maybe it drowned out the noise of the kids or the noise in my brain but for whatever reason it calms me. When Colton was born I would have to leave the vacuum running next to his crib and swing because my poor child was born a vacuum junkie. Sometimes he would run there for hours. Poor Dyson. In fairness he had a good run, it was basically 5 years ago that received my Dyson DC24. I remember the day well I vacuumed all day long. It was just before mothers day, it actually turned out to be my mothers day present and while most women would be insulted I couldn’t have been happier. So conveniently 5 years later and 2 days past my warranty Dyson DC24 Sprague is dead. RIP my friend.
Kody being the diligent, smart, and probably somewhat fearful husband that he is knew that for me to go even 24 hours without a vacuum would be like living with a full blown meth addict in day 1 of withdrawals. Today May 9th Dyson DC41 animal Sprague was welcomed into our home just as fondly as the three children who make the messes I vacuum were each and every time. The feeling of getting a new vacuum for me is like a 5 year old on Christmas morning. I flew through the packaging, registered HER online, plugged her in and vacuumed my little heart out. Glorious!!!! Her suction is unparalleled, I even set up little tests that I knew the old Dyson would fail and she passed with flying colors. I feel SO clean today. This vacuum is a female, because lets just face it, I need strength and endurance and until I see a man (and the guy on Oprah doesn’t count) push a baby out of you know where, all of my appliances will be females.
As I proof read this blog I realize that I have reached a new level or un-cool. However it is with great happiness and pleasure that I inform you that while I was busy not blogging the past month or so, not only did I get a new vacuum cleaner I also got a new car. Getting rid of the mini van and admitting my neutral addiction cancel each other out.
Murky Waters
15 Mar 2012 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: poop in pool, swim diapers, vomit
When you make the decision to swim in a public pool, your basically saying your okay with swimming in other peoples urine and feces. I know that sounds harsh but the fact of the matter is that its true. On our recent trip to Florida we obviously spent time in the pool, as a matter of fact Carter will tell you his favorite part of the trip was his time spent swimming. He’s a good little swimmer. So anyways one afternoon while I had Colton back at the room for a nap,(thank you God) the pool was apparently closed down, cautioned taped, and evacuated because someone pooped in the pool. Honestly I cannot even say this out loud without feeling nauseous. I began thinking about the swim diapers that kids wear, mine included. The reality is that once you submerge you kid in the water the first time that diaper is basically pointless. If they pee its not being absorbed into the diaper, its simply splashing away with the turd from the kid next to you (NOT my kid). I am SO grossed out. I keep visioning Carter swimming his little heart out, taking on water in his mouth and spitting it out as he bobbed up and down in the water. Excuse me while I go vomit.
This cannot be sanitary. There is no chemical or pool additive out there that can make this sanitary or okay in my book. I am not a huge germ freak, I’ve mentioned before that I am more of a gross people freak. Soap is cheap, water is free, clean up your act. There is no excuse for being dirty, not matter what your financial status is.
I just can’t stop thinking about it. I think pool signs should read “Swim at your own risk, No lifeguard on Duty, Pool hours 10-10, and Be sure your good to swim in shit”.
I’ll be swimming at Grammy’s pool all summer, I’ll be doing frequent water tests. 
CLOSE YOUR MOUTH
CLOSE YOUR DAMN MOUTHES!!!!!
Disney World
12 Mar 2012 3 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: Child ID, Disney World, family vacation, frivolous spending, irresponsible drinking, Xanax
Another update! We just returned home from our annual family vacation to Disney World. Its actually not much of a vacation at all. I consider vacations a time to drink irresponsibly, get a nice (responsible) tan, catch up on sleep, eat at fancy restaurants, spend money frivolously. While I admit some of this did happen, it just wasn’t quite the way I had pictured. There was no irresponsible drinking (unless your name is Bonnie aka Grammy) my tan lines include sandal lines, since there was no a moment in time I was actually resting in a pool side chair, but was chasing children, and playing lifeguard. Sleep was restless, and our bed was shared with at least one child each night. Oh and frivolous spending occurred but it was on things like light up mickey spinning wands, legos, candy apples, and tinker bell paraphernalia. All in all it was a good time, memories were made and fun was had by all. Kody spent most of the trip fishing crayons out of Coltons mouth at various restaurants, Bristol was turned into a fairy princess by a fairy god mother she would like to be refereed to as Tinker Bell and not Bristol for future reference. Carter is a true blue adrenaline junkie no roller coaster was too big or scary for that kid. He probably had the best time as all the parks were just a little more age appropriate for him. Colton was along for the ride as always, and really broke in his new shoes!! I am exhausted and ready for another vacation. now. We celebrated Kody’s birthday down there which was fun! To be honest at this point it is all just a blur! We visited Legoland, Animal Kingdom, Magic Kingdom, Universal Studios, and Downtown Disney. I will say this though, Disney World really isn’t the happiest place on earth anymore. In years past, it really lived up to the name but it was agreed upon at the end of this trip that the happy has run out in good old Disney!
Needless to say we made it to and fro safe and sound and the kids are already talking about next year! I am going to go take a Xanax and cry in the closet for a moment. I am still in recovery.
I also wanted to add a picture of the kids ID’s I had done. BTW parents, its totally work the $10, especially if you can find a nice DMV lady! ID’s helped with travel as well as tickets for parks to verify that indeed Bristol was under 3 and therefore free! Anywho, here’s the picture of the famous day that I blogged about when all three children were perfect angels! There hasn’t been a repeat of this day since, so I will keep these ID’s as a forever reminder!
May the force be with you…
08 Feb 2012 5 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: imagination, Jedi, Library books, Spock, Star Trek, Star Wars
Or something like that….
Every Friday is Library day for Carter. His love for reading astounds me, after all I was never a very good reader, I have no attention span and very poor reading comprehension. I love that he loves it though, there is nothing better than to watch his little face light up with excitement, curiosity, fear, and wonder. His little mind really does travel to the far away places in his books, he often dreams about his books and tells us about it at breakfast. He is usually pretty proud of taking a book home from the library and looks forward to reading the book over the course of the weekend and following week. Lately he has been bringing home Star Wars books. I know nothing, absolutely nothing about Star Wars. Except when I was younger people called me spock because for some reason the top of my ear doesn’t completely curl around, Kody thinks it looks like a mouse nibbled part of my ear, the jerks in elementary school thought it resembled spock ears. For the record I like my ears just the way they are. Oh wait, Spock was on Star Trek, see I know zilch about Star Wars. I did once get a Valentine with that little green monster on in it said “Yoda one for me” SO cute, in the following weeks that guy who said I was the one, apparently also thought my best friend (at the time) was the one too. asshole.
So last week Carter and I began to read his book it was all about the Star Wars characters, how they came to be, what their roles were in the story, it explained their powers and how they were to use them. Carter was particularly interested in the “Jedi”. If you’re an avid Star Wars fan, I apologize in advance for my lack of knowledge and I hope I don’t offend anyone with my ignorance on the topic. So the book proceeded to explain that the Jedi use “the force” and also a lightsabre all of which Carter was ready to sign up for. We then got to the part where it explains that to become a Jedi you must leave your family, friends, home, and even earth forever. You go to another planet to train, and never return. Your life is now to fight the Dark Side forever. This all threw a wrench in Carters plans. He was committed until that part. He started to ask me questions like “so if I go mom can I come back to visit you” I said no, “well mom what if I just go for a little while” I’m sorry Carter but apparently if you go you make the commitment to be gone forever “mom can i take my kaloos? (his favorite bears)” I don’t think so buddy. This conversation actually went on for about 10 mins. To be honest at one point I started actually thinking this planet existed, I was trying to brainstorm ways this poor kid could go for a while then come home.
Someone put a drink in my hand.
Carter talked about it for the following days, asking a question here and there, this was weighing on this kids mind heavy. I caught him deep in thought a few times and when I asked him what he was thinking about he simply said “the Jedi mom”. I didn’t want to burst his bubble, his imagination has run off and that’s the beauty of childhood, however I felt sort of bad that the poor little guy was in such turmoil inside trying to figure out how to have his cake and eat it too. Such is life my child.
Fast forward a week or so to yesterday. Carter came home from school he had a half day, he came in the house ate a snack he was particularly quiet. I’m not complaining. I was changing a diaper, doing housework, fishing legos out of the toilet, folding laundry, the usual. When I walked past the front door and saw some kid halfway down the street in a t-shirt and snow boots. Ignorant parents. I kept doing what I was doing, a few minutes went by and I walked by the window again. FOR SHIT SAKES IT WAS CARTER. I run to the front door, scream on the top of my lungs, he kept going. CARTER SPRAGUE!!!!!! —me yelling. He turns and looks back. I said “GET OVER HERE” he stopped turned around, and just stood there. I hope the neighbors didn’t see this. I proceeded to threaten him, he just stood there. I finally decided to ask “What are you doing?” He said “Mom I’ve decided to go be a Jedi, I didn’t say goodbye because it was just too sad” at this point I am walking towards him, he starts walking towards me. He was on the verge of tears. I am not sure if he was scared of me, or actually sad that he had made his mind up to leave us all for good. This has clearly gone to far. We walk back to the house. I gave him a long lecture on leaving the house, running away, kidnappers the bad fashion statement he was making in that outfit…etc.
By the time Kody got home I was over it, and to the point where I found it quite comical. Kody asked why Carter was “on my list” (I have a list it up to each member of this family to stay off of it each day) trust me you don’t want to be on it. Just ask them. I could barely get the words out of my mouth to explain to Kody what had happened. Saying it out loud was just too much. Carter left today to head to some planet for Jedi training, never to be seen or heard from again, except I happened to walk by the window and catch him on his way out.
Either this kid thinks I totally suck as a mom, or he really felt that strongly about lightsabres and fighting the darkside.
Either way someone please put that drink in my hand.
I can’t help but wonder how far my little Jedi would have gone.
Perhaps I will survive?
07 Feb 2012 4 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: angels, Child ID, DMV, survival, wine
I am not sure if the apocalypse is coming or what but in a COMPLETE turn of events I had probably the most positive experience ever today at the DMV, and get this, I had all three of my children with me ALONE! So we are traveling with the kids in a few weeks and last year on our family vacation it came to our attention that we should invest in non-driver ID’s for our children. It was actually a TSA security officer who suggested it, which in turn sent me into a paranoid, anxiety ridden spiral for the remainder of our trip. He pointed out that if the lady standing next to me grabbed my child out of my arms, I have no proof that he is actually my child, he also mentioned in the event the child was kidnaped we have a current picture with current information at our fingertips to turn over to the police. I actually think he gave me a few more reasons but at that point my imagination had already run off with the endless possibilities of terrible things that could go wrong on our trip. So anyways off I went today all 3 kids in tow to the DMV for their ID cards. It was quite like getting ready for picture day, I had to dress them all accordingly, fix hair etc. I decided to go to a different DMV than my last experience for reasons that should be fairly obvious. As I always do I prepped the kids on the ride over, explaining if they didn’t cooperate there would be no Disney World vacation this year, that they were required to have these pictures taken in order to meet Mickey and Minnie. Carter was all ears, listening closely, nothing gets between that kid and the Magic Kingdom. Bristol did her usual “okay momma” (I don’t understand a friggen thing your saying head nod) and my golden boy Colton needed no preparation why would he?
As I walk in the door, there is a line at least 10 people deep, and only two women working. I think I swore under my breath but apparently it was out loud because the lady in front of me cringed and the old man 2 people ahead of her gave me a thumbs up! So far so good, its been a solid 60 seconds kids are all listening, as we get closer to the front of the line I realize there is paperwork that goes along with this whole process. SHIT. How am I going to fill out paperwork with 3 kids. shit shit shit. I grab the 3 papers set Colton down and begin to fill them out. I was again and of course prepared with all the proper documents (birth certs, ss cards) My three kids stood like soldiers, not a peep. Believe it or not the only on who was even slightly fussy was Colton and rightfully so it was right in the middle of nap time for him. I get the papers filled out, get back in line and we wait another 15 mins. Still not a peep, silent, happy, patient children. It wasn’t quite long enough in for me to start owning this moment, I know all to well that any second or even milisecond (if thats a thing) these kids could come unleashed. Roving beasts. Maniacs. I know this, I am their mother. So I stood humble and quietly in shock. Ok its our turn! We get up to the window and there is yet MORE paperwork. I scramble to fill it out. The woman was SO incredibly friendly and happy. What the F&*k is going on. Maybe the Mayans are on to something. Next the kids needed pictures and to be measured, they all stood fairly still, smiled, and were polite. I looked down at my feet and there they all were sitting criss cross applesauce passing my phone around taking turns and sharing a few ritz bits. This wasn’t quick, I might add, I was at the window for a solid 40 mins, squaring away information, paperwork, and payment. NOT A PEEP. The place was totally full by this point, clearly, because as I said only 2 people working and I had the one occupied for at least 50 mins at this point. We wrap it up, and the kind, sweet, generous, wonderful, DMV lady gives my kids tons of stickers and praise. People in line were smiling, they were complimenting me, one woman owned a winery and offered me wine from the trunk of her car. I must be having some out of body experience right now. I decide its time to strut out of there proud as a peacock. Not only am I going to own this moment I was already writing this blog post before I had them all strapped in their car seats. I will remember this day forever. I immediately called Kody, after checking my gums for pinkness indicating life, yep I’m alive and this just happened. I have NEVER been on this side of things. EVER. It was total bliss, and I totally deserved it, I earned this moment. 
More importantly I have a renewed hope of surviving this thing called parenting. Yay me!
Love Yourself
06 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: drink water, good genes, love yourself, Obesity, sleep apnea, the biggest loser
I’m sitting here feeling kind of sad for our society tonight. After an experience I had today on an airplane, I felt bewildered at just how little self respect some people have. I find myself having a hard time being “politically correct” while deciding how to even start to write this blog. Let me start by saying a few things, I am a skinny girl, I used to just give total credit to my gene’s but the truth is they aren’t totally responsible. As a matter of fact I love my body, and I think that’s where it all starts. I don’t love it for the reasons you see many girls today loving their bodies (just scroll your facebook and look for pictures of girls in the bathroom taking pictures of themselves with their lips all puckered together wearing something typically less than appropriate for the www) No, thats not me. I love my body because its my vessel. I am grateful for what my body endures on a daily basis, I will forever be grateful for my body not giving up a few years ago when I was nearly killed by a horse, I am grateful for three healthy babies, I am grateful for the energy my body gives me. Sure I am lucky in some ways, I don’t have an affinity for junk food, I don’t consume much if any caffeine on a regular basis, I exercise, in general I make healthy choices for my body, and for my family. I have been active my entire life though as well, played sports, rode horses, and now I spend most of my days chasing my three wildly fast kids around! I admit sometimes I neglect myself in order to make sure everyone else is cared for, but seriously what mother doesn’t. I make up for it where I can.
To be honest for the longest time, (I just shared this with Kody on our recent little get-away), no not even for the longest time, let me rephrase to this VERY day, I live in fear that someday, some Dr. House of the world will discover that I am harboring some fat eating tape worm, they will remove it and every single Oreo I have ever consumed will immediately show up my my thighs and ass! OR it could just be another case of my relentless anxiety trying to send me to an early grave.
So back to the topic, why I find it so hard to bring up this subject is because I am skinny, and have never dealt with weight issues. Like almost everyone though I’ve dealt with self esteem/confidence issues at times in my life. Which and let me write in bold letters is the very basis of most people’s problems with weight. I watch “The Biggest Loser” and truly LOVE watching people transform themselves, and never, ever has there been a person on that show who wasn’t morbidly obese that didn’t have some sort of incident, or internalized emotion that has been pent up resulting directly in their eating habits, whether they were abused, molested, dumped, abandoned, lost a member of their family, they all have a story. I just don’t believe we come into this world with the mindset to abuse our bodies, we fall victim to it. Sure some people just become plain lazy, they eat unhealthy because its cheap, quick and easy. They choose not to exercise. The whole reason I even wanted to write this post though was because of what happened to me on our airplane ride home the other day. My husband had some business out of town and I decided to tag along since the weather was going to be so nice. We had a great time, being so relaxed we never thought about checking in for our flight we just made our way to the airport, sent our bags on their way, and proceeded to the gate. We realized then that we were in the last boarding group, we typically fly Southwest and if your familiar with them they have this stupid boarding procedure where they have everyone line up by group A, B, or C, and then in numerical order. It’s quite comical but thats for another post. Anyways, we realized we were group C and basically going to be the last people on the plane, we knew we wouldn’t likely find a seat together so we decided to take the first 2 seats available. After loading the plane the first seat was next to this very large woman and her very large husband so I decided I’d continue to the back. After I reached the back and realized that was the only seat left I made my way back to that seat. Damn it. I sit down, and by sit down I mean I literally wedged myself into the seat. The woman was sweating, breathing like an overworked horse, and the worst part of all was she was overflowing into my seat SO much in fact that we weren’t able to put the arm rest down. She literally was more then half in my seat. Her sweaty arm was rubbing up agains me the entire time, it got especially worse when she and her husband ate their 3 coarse self packed meal, downed her 2 cans of soda, and asked the flight attendant for triples of the “courtesy snack” TRIPLES. She then decided to naturally take a nap, which I didn’t need to be Dr. Oz to diagnose her sleep apnea (I am just as smart as any Dr.Oz though) She was snoring, snorting, she quit breathing at least 7 times, and quite frankly I am convinced she passed gas. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Kody walked by to use the bathroom (gross) and threw his peanuts at me. (Kody likes to make immature references to his “nuts” on the airplane, such as “no thank you (to the flight attendant) I don’t want any nuts, however I am SURE my wife wants my nuts”, or “Here honey you can have my nuts, my nuts are your anytime you want” I could go on but I won’t) So as he proceeded to throw his nuts at me I gave him a look that I actually think might have scared him a little. The plane landed and I waited for Kody, the people next to me got their canes and got off the plane. The flight attendant came over and sat next to me and apologized profusely saying it should have been mandated that they buy 2 seats. I was furious, disgusted, and downright exhausted from holding myself in the position I had to for the whole flight.
When I get really heated about something Kody gives me 2 minutes of free bitching. After that he doesn’t like to see me so upset (or he just wants me to shut up) I am sure its the first one. He actually gave me a complimentary 2 minutes because he saw how upset I was. On the car ride home I realized sure, I was upset that these people were rude and ruined my trip home. However after that feeling passed I found myself sad, like I started the post. Sad because some people just simply don’t care. They don’t care about their bodies at all, no self respect what so ever. It broke my heart in a way, these people were cheating themselves of life. Of being healthy and feeling good, having energy and looking forward to their future. It starts with simple daily choices, drink water instead of pop, its cheaper, hell its free! Park further away at the store, walk the stairs.
Start loving yourself, you deserve it.
Dear Carter and Colton
31 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: broke the mold, luck, skinny girl margarita
There are some things I want my boys to know too.
Your father got VERY lucky.
Good luck.
Love Mom
They broke the mold after this piece of work!
Dear Bristol
30 Jan 2012 7 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: good husband, lincoln logs, marriage, preservatives, rearranging furniture, toilet paper
There are some things I want my daughter to know.
As your mother, I take great pride in the fact that I can walk right into our (your dad’s and I) bathroom which from no matter where you stand you can see if the toilet paper is full or empty, sit my little tush right down on that pot knowing full well that the roll is empty, act suddenly surprised (we keep the toilet paper on the other side of the house) and know with 100% confidence your dad will happily run to get me a refill. Marry that kind of man.
When mommy reads an article regarding some new additive, preservative or ingredient that I wasn’t previously aware of and is found in “most foods” and decides to on a monthly or even sometimes bi-weekly basis take a large contractor garbage bag into the pantry, and to the fridge/freezer because its poison to our bodies. Then insist I have another grocery shopping allowance (even though I just went two days ago) because we simply aren’t eating that shit, and he just smiles and say’s “ok”. Marry that kind of man.
Marry the kind of man that understands your obsession and uncontrollable need to rearrange furniture on a daily basis, and the kind of man that just knows he better notice and comment on said new arrangement, even if its exactly the way it was the day before, you know, before he you rearranged it last night at 11:45pm.
Marry the kind of man that will change diapers, give bathes, do dishes, do laundry, that understands that darks and lights ARE different, who understands the value of an on demand hot water tank so you can shower for 2 long hot hours if you should desire, marry the man that can brush your daughters hair, the kind of man who cooks dinner and rubs feet. If its Friday night and your children are taking a bath together and someone yell’s “LINCOLN LOG” and if he’s good enough to scoop the lincoln logs (because your simultaneously crying and gagging about your Friday night) he’s good enough to marry. Marry a lincoln log scooper, you don’t want to go it alone, trust me.
Marry someone who lets you run wild with your dreams and the credit card sometimes. But not someone who will ever say “I told you so” (even if he did). Marry the kind of man that doesn’t miss a t-ball game, or gym class, that values your time as a family, and that enjoys eating a meal together. Even if spaghettis is hanging from the chandelier. Marry a man that knows how to lead, and follow. Do NOT marry a man that raises his voice to you, ever. If he can play pirates and princess’s all at the same time, and keep everyone happy. He is a keeper.
Marry a man who buys valentines, carves pumpkins, colors easter eggs, builds snowmen, wraps christmas presents and picks out transformers and dora wrapping paper all by himself. It’s okay if you have to schedule your entire Sunday around the NFL, he deserves a little slack here and there 
It won’t be easy every single day but it will be worth it every single day!
When you wake up each morning and he looks at you and says “what can I do to make today a better day for you” smile, and know without doubt that you have married the right man.
Update
18 Jan 2012 6 Comments
Update, we now have a new dentist and I couldn’t be happier! Colton had his first appointment today he and Bristol both left with balloon animals, the new male dentist complimented my winter boots, and it was agreed that Colton is perfect. Looks like I’ve found my guy!
I can’t wait to call for Carter’s x-ray from the old dentist I’ll make sure I tactfully let them know how much I dislike her.
On a more somber note, my new license came today. The picture is less than flattering and I really don’t see my so called “aging”
Whatever.
The delightful DMV
11 Jan 2012 4 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: 29th Birthday, DMV, worst job in america
I had a birthday this past weekend, 29! I feel kind of old, I mean I realize that 29 is hardly considered old, but its oh so close to 30, which definitely is knocking on the door to terms like older, middle aged, washed up, and so on. For a few months prior to my birthday I was a little anxiety ridden over the big 29, but after awhile I accepted it and realized I am doing okay for an almost 30 year old. I’ve managed to find a man who puts up with me , makes enough money to support my shoe addiction, loves me unconditionally, the kids, dog, cat, house. Life is pretty good for someone who is NOT yet 30. So after considering all the circumstances I was basically over it. Basically….that was until I had to go to the DMV to renew my drivers license. Here in our town we have a traveling DMV, that comes to the town building every Thursday. Easy enough, I gathered the necessary documents, arranged a babysitter, and off I went. I had somewhere to be after the DMV that required me to actually get dressed that day (thank God), I even put some make-up on and had my hair done (somewhat). To my surprise there was only one person in line ahead of me, a little old farmer man, cute as a button he was. He was sitting waiting because the credit card machine was down at the moment. As I approached the table, the unfriendly DMV lady, (you know they are ALWAYS unfriendly) because they have the worst job in the world right?
don’t ask these ladies though… 
hmmm? you be the judge.
So anyways the less than pleasant lady, gives me the usual, you stupid f*@k, why don’t you have the proper paperwork attitude/glare. I assure her I did have my proper paperwork, signed, sealed, delivered, which I am convinced pissed her off further since she now has no reason to be rude to me. Oh but if only it were that easy. She proceeds to look at my old license which was issued when I was married 4 years ago, let me point out that there was a new picture taken at that time as well. She looks at my license, then up at me, then back at the license, she does this for a 30 seconds, and then says, “its our discretion (our? you mean YOUR do you have a mouse in your pocket? bitch) anyways, its our discretion to require you to have a new photo done when you’ve aged enough to deem your current identification out of date” YOU SLUT. That was all I could think. Now she is digging. She then directed me to the bathroom because she said “obviously you’ll want to do something with that hair” THAT HAIR? You mean my perfectly groomed hair that I managed to do with 2 children crawling up my leg, while the other played in the kitty litter like it was a sensory table at the museum, and the dog is running down the street because the invisible fence collar battery is dead, and the dinner I though I would cook incase the DMV line was long is burning, and someone has clearly shit their pants in my bathroom which now feels more like a small gas chamber, all while I pretend eat the meal my daughter just pretend cooked for me in her pretend kitchen, of which if you do not pretend eat with enthusiasm she spins off into a total emotional meltdown. This hair looks pretty damn good considering. “No thank you” I politely declined her offer to go to the bathroom. She points me in the direction of the camera, which by the way is sitting on a table, a normal table while you stand against the background thing. I thought I would point out that the camera seemed to low to get a good shot, nobody looks good in the fishbowl lens floor angle. She snaps the picture, its horrible. I look her in the eye and say, I don’t want that picture, I just want the old one that I look so YOUNG in please. She makes me take another one. Its horrible too. The old farmer guy, still sitting waiting, witnessing this all, says thats a good one young lady. I politely say mind your own business you cant see anything your 100 years old thank you sir, but from where I’m standing its pretty awful. The women proceeds to get up and go to her purse and grabs her scarf and tries to put it on me, EWW do not put your scarf on me I am a low grade germ phob, gross. I say low grade because I’m really not a germ phob, but more of a gross people phob. She wasn’t even gross but her attitude was so I wanted to make her feel like she was. She puts the scarf away, she takes 6 more pictures, all gross, I ask her to put the camera on a stack of books, I know if she just takes the picture from the proper angle I would be happy with it. She wont do it. At this point another DMV worker comes from around the corner and explains to me how to angle my chin down, and put my shoulders back. Ten shots later, and I was partially satisfied, mostly exhausted and settled on one.
29 sucks.
I’ll post pictures when I get the new license so you can compare.
