Every Friday is Library day for Carter. His love for reading astounds me, after all I was never a very good reader, I have no attention span and very poor reading comprehension. I love that he loves it though, there is nothing better than to watch his little face light up with excitement, curiosity, fear, and wonder. His little mind really does travel to the far away places in his books, he often dreams about his books and tells us about it at breakfast. He is usually pretty proud of taking a book home from the library and looks forward to reading the book over the course of the weekend and following week. Lately he has been bringing home Star Wars books. I know nothing, absolutely nothing about Star Wars. Except when I was younger people called me spock because for some reason the top of my ear doesn’t completely curl around, Kody thinks it looks like a mouse nibbled part of my ear, the jerks in elementary school thought it resembled spock ears. For the record I like my ears just the way they are. Oh wait, Spock was on Star Trek, see I know zilch about Star Wars. I did once get a Valentine with that little green monster on in it said “Yoda one for me” SO cute, in the following weeks that guy who said I was the one, apparently also thought my best friend (at the time) was the one too. asshole.

So last week Carter and I began to read his book it was all about the Star Wars characters, how they came to be, what their roles were in the story, it explained their powers and how they were to use them. Carter was particularly interested in the “Jedi”. If you’re an avid Star Wars fan, I apologize in advance for my lack of knowledge and I hope I don’t offend anyone with my ignorance on the topic. So the book proceeded to explain that the Jedi use “the force” and also a lightsabre all of which Carter was ready to sign up for. We then got to the part where it explains that to become a Jedi you must leave your family, friends, home, and even earth forever. You go to another planet to train, and never return. Your life is now to fight the Dark Side forever. This all threw a wrench in Carters plans. He was committed until that part. He started to ask me questions like “so if I go mom can I come back to visit you” I said no, “well mom what if I just go for a little while” I’m sorry Carter but apparently if you go you make the commitment to be gone forever “mom can i take my kaloos? (his favorite bears)” I don’t think so buddy. This conversation actually went on for about 10 mins. To be honest at one point I started actually thinking this planet existed, I was trying to brainstorm ways this poor kid could go for a while then come home.

Someone put a drink in my hand.

Carter talked about it for the following days, asking a question here and there, this was weighing on this kids mind heavy. I caught him deep in thought a few times and when I asked him what he was thinking about he simply said “the Jedi mom”. I didn’t want to burst his bubble, his imagination has run off and that’s the beauty of childhood, however I felt sort of bad that the poor little guy was in such turmoil inside trying to figure out how to have his cake and eat it too. Such is life my child.

Fast forward a week or so to yesterday. Carter came home from school he had a half day, he came in the house ate a snack he was particularly quiet. I’m not complaining. I was changing a diaper, doing housework, fishing legos out of the toilet, folding laundry, the usual. When I walked past the front door and saw some kid halfway down the street in a t-shirt and snow boots. Ignorant parents. I kept doing what I was doing, a few minutes went by and I walked by the window again. FOR SHIT SAKES IT WAS CARTER. I run to the front door, scream on the top of my lungs, he kept going. CARTER SPRAGUE!!!!!! —me yelling. He turns and looks back. I said “GET OVER HERE” he stopped turned around, and just stood there. I hope the neighbors didn’t see this. I proceeded to threaten him, he just stood there. I finally decided to ask “What are you doing?” He said “Mom I’ve decided to go be a Jedi, I didn’t say goodbye because it was just too sad” at this point I am walking towards him, he starts walking towards me. He was on the verge of tears. I am not sure if he was scared of me, or actually sad that he had made his mind up to leave us all for good. This has clearly gone to far. We walk back to the house. I gave him a long lecture on leaving the house, running away, kidnappers the bad  fashion statement he was making in that outfit…etc.

By the time Kody got home I was over it, and to the point where I found it quite comical. Kody asked why Carter was “on my list” (I have a list it up to each member of this family to stay off of it each day) trust me you don’t want to be on it. Just ask them. I could barely get the words out of my mouth to explain to Kody what had happened. Saying it out loud was just too much. Carter left today to head to some planet for Jedi training, never to be seen or heard from again, except I happened to walk by the window and catch him on his way out.

Either this kid thinks I totally suck as a mom, or he really felt that strongly about lightsabres and fighting the darkside.

Either way someone please put that drink in my hand.

I can’t help but wonder how far my little Jedi would have gone.

As I walk in the door, there is a line at least 10 people deep, and only two women working. I think I swore under my breath but apparently it was out loud because the lady in front of me cringed and the old man 2 people ahead of her gave me a thumbs up! So far so good, its been a solid 60 seconds kids are all listening, as we get closer to the front of the line I realize there is paperwork that goes along with this whole process. SHIT. How am I going to fill out paperwork with 3 kids. shit shit shit. I grab the 3 papers set Colton down and begin to fill them out. I was again and of course prepared with all the proper documents (birth certs, ss cards) My three kids stood like soldiers, not a peep. Believe it or not the only on who was even slightly fussy was Colton and rightfully so it was right in the middle of nap time for him. I get the papers filled out, get back in line and we wait another 15 mins. Still not a peep, silent, happy, patient children. It wasn’t quite long enough in for me to start owning this moment, I know all to well that any second or even milisecond (if thats a thing) these kids could come unleashed. Roving beasts. Maniacs. I know this, I am their mother. So I stood humble and quietly in shock. Ok its our turn! We get up to the window and there is yet MORE paperwork. I scramble to fill it out. The woman was SO incredibly friendly and happy. What the F&*k is going on. Maybe the Mayans are on to something. Next the kids needed pictures and to be measured, they all stood fairly still, smiled, and were polite. I looked down at my feet and there they all were sitting criss cross applesauce passing my phone around taking turns and sharing a few ritz bits. This wasn’t quick, I might add, I was at the window for a solid 40 mins, squaring away information, paperwork, and payment. NOT A PEEP. The place was totally full by this point, clearly, because as I said only 2 people working and I had the one occupied for at least 50 mins at this point. We wrap it up, and the kind, sweet, generous, wonderful, DMV lady gives my kids tons of stickers and praise. People in line were smiling, they were complimenting me, one woman owned a winery and offered me wine from the trunk of her car. I must be having some out of body experience right now. I decide its time to strut out of there proud as a peacock. Not only am I going to own this moment I was already writing this blog post before I had them all strapped in their car seats. I will remember this day forever. I immediately called Kody, after checking my gums for pinkness indicating life, yep I’m alive and this just happened. I have NEVER been on this side of things. EVER. It was total bliss, and I totally deserved it, I earned this moment. 

More importantly I have a renewed hope of surviving this thing called parenting. Yay me!

To be honest for the longest time, (I just shared this with Kody on our recent little get-away), no not even for the longest time, let me rephrase to this VERY day, I live in fear that someday, some Dr. House of the world will discover that I am harboring some fat eating tape worm, they will remove it and every single Oreo I have ever consumed will immediately show up my my thighs and ass! OR it could just be another case of my relentless anxiety trying to send me to an early grave.

So back to the topic, why I find it so hard to bring up this subject is because I am skinny, and have never dealt with weight issues. Like almost everyone though I’ve dealt with self esteem/confidence issues at times in my life. Which and let me write in bold letters is the very basis of most people’s problems with weight. I watch “The Biggest Loser” and truly LOVE watching people transform themselves, and never, ever has there been a person on that show who wasn’t morbidly obese that didn’t have some sort of incident, or internalized emotion that has been pent up resulting directly in their eating habits, whether they were abused, molested, dumped, abandoned, lost a member of their family, they all have a story. I just don’t believe we come into this world with the mindset to abuse our bodies, we fall victim to it. Sure some people just become plain lazy, they eat unhealthy because its cheap, quick and easy. They choose not to exercise. The whole reason I even wanted to write this post though was because of what happened to me on our airplane ride home the other day. My husband had some business out of town and I decided to tag along since the weather was going to be so nice. We had a great time, being so relaxed we never thought about checking in for our flight we just made our way to the airport, sent our bags on their way, and proceeded to the gate. We realized then that we were in the last boarding group, we typically fly Southwest and if your familiar with them they have this stupid boarding procedure where they have everyone line up by group A, B, or C, and then in numerical order. It’s quite comical but thats for another post. Anyways, we realized we were group C and basically going to be the last people on the plane, we knew we wouldn’t likely find a seat together so we decided to take the first 2 seats available. After loading the plane the first seat was next to this very large woman and her very large husband so I decided I’d continue to the back. After I reached the back and realized that was the only seat left I made my way back to that seat. Damn it. I sit down, and by sit down I mean I literally wedged myself into the seat. The woman was sweating, breathing like an overworked horse, and the worst part of all was she was overflowing into my seat SO much in fact that we weren’t able to put the arm rest down. She literally was more then half in my seat. Her sweaty arm was rubbing up agains me the entire time, it got especially worse when she and her husband ate their 3 coarse self packed meal, downed her 2 cans of soda, and asked the flight attendant for triples of the “courtesy snack” TRIPLES. She then decided to naturally take a nap, which I didn’t need to be Dr. Oz to diagnose her sleep apnea (I am just as smart as any Dr.Oz though) She was snoring, snorting, she quit breathing at least 7 times, and quite frankly I am convinced she passed gas. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Kody walked by to use the bathroom (gross) and threw his peanuts at me. (Kody likes to make immature references to his “nuts” on the airplane, such as “no thank you (to the flight attendant) I don’t want any nuts, however I am SURE my wife wants my nuts”, or “Here honey you can have my nuts, my nuts are your anytime you want” I could go on but I won’t) So as he proceeded to throw his nuts at me I gave him a look that I actually think might have scared him a little. The plane landed and I waited for Kody, the people next to me got their canes and got off the plane. The flight attendant came over and sat next to me and apologized profusely saying it should have been mandated that they buy 2 seats. I was furious, disgusted, and downright exhausted from holding myself in the position I had to for the whole flight.

When I get really heated about something Kody gives me 2 minutes of free bitching. After that he doesn’t like to see me so upset (or he just wants me to shut up) I am sure its the first one. He actually gave me a complimentary 2 minutes because he saw how upset I was. On the car ride home I realized sure, I was upset that these people were rude and ruined my trip home. However after that feeling passed I found myself sad, like I started the post. Sad because some people just simply don’t care. They don’t care about their bodies at all, no self respect what so ever. It broke my heart in a way, these people were cheating themselves of life. Of being healthy and feeling good, having energy and looking forward to their future. It starts with simple daily choices, drink water instead of pop, its cheaper, hell its free! Park further away at the store, walk the stairs.

Start loving yourself, you deserve it.

Your father got VERY lucky.

Good luck.

Love Mom

They broke the mold after this piece of work!

As your mother, I take great pride in the fact that I can walk right into our (your dad’s and I) bathroom which from no matter where you stand you can see if the toilet paper is full or empty, sit my little tush right down on that pot knowing full well that the roll is empty, act suddenly surprised (we keep the toilet paper on the other side of the house) and know with 100% confidence your dad will happily run to get me a refill. Marry that kind of man.

When mommy reads an article regarding some new additive, preservative or ingredient that I wasn’t previously aware of and is found in “most foods” and decides to on a monthly or even sometimes bi-weekly basis take a large contractor garbage bag into the pantry, and to the fridge/freezer because its poison to our bodies. Then insist I have another grocery shopping allowance (even though I just went two days ago) because we simply aren’t eating that shit, and he just smiles and say’s “ok”.                                                                                                                                                Marry that kind of man.

Marry the kind of man that understands your obsession and uncontrollable need to rearrange furniture on a daily basis, and the kind of man that just knows he better notice and  comment on said new arrangement, even if its exactly the way it was the day before, you know, before he you rearranged it last night at 11:45pm.

Marry the kind of man that will change diapers, give bathes, do dishes, do laundry, that understands that darks and lights ARE different, who understands the value of an on demand hot water tank so you can shower for 2 long hot hours if you should desire, marry the man that can brush your daughters hair, the kind of man who cooks dinner and rubs feet. If its Friday night and your children are taking a bath together and someone yell’s “LINCOLN LOG” and if he’s good enough to scoop the lincoln logs (because your simultaneously crying and gagging about your Friday night) he’s good enough to marry. Marry a lincoln log scooper, you don’t want to go it alone, trust me.

Marry someone who lets you run wild with your dreams and the credit card sometimes. But not someone who will ever say “I told you so” (even if he did). Marry the kind of man that doesn’t miss a t-ball game, or gym class, that values your time as a family, and that enjoys eating a meal together. Even if spaghettis is hanging from the chandelier. Marry a man that knows how to lead, and follow. Do NOT marry a man that raises his voice to you, ever. If he can play pirates and princess’s all at the same time, and keep everyone happy. He is a keeper.

Marry a man who buys valentines, carves pumpkins, colors easter eggs, builds snowmen, wraps christmas presents and picks out transformers and dora wrapping paper all by himself. It’s okay if you have to schedule your entire Sunday around the NFL, he deserves a little slack here and there It won’t be easy every single day but it will be worth it every single day!

When you wake up each morning and he looks at you and says “what can I do to make today a better day for you” smile, and know without doubt that you have married the right man.

I can’t wait to call for Carter’s x-ray from the old dentist I’ll make sure I tactfully let them know how much I dislike her.

On a more somber note, my new license came today. The picture is less than flattering and I really don’t see my so called “aging”

Whatever.

don’t ask these ladies though…      hmmm? you be the judge.

So anyways the less than pleasant lady, gives me the usual, you stupid f*@k, why don’t you have the proper paperwork attitude/glare. I assure her I did have my proper paperwork, signed, sealed, delivered, which I am convinced pissed her off further since she now has no reason to be rude to me. Oh but if only it were that easy. She proceeds to look at my old license which was issued when I was married 4 years ago, let me point out that there was a new picture taken at that time as well. She looks at my license, then up at me, then back at the license, she does this for a 30 seconds, and then says, “its our discretion (our? you mean YOUR do you have a mouse in your pocket? bitch) anyways, its our discretion to require you to have a new photo done when you’ve aged enough to deem your current identification out of date” YOU SLUT. That was all I could think. Now she is digging. She then directed me to the bathroom because she said “obviously you’ll want to do something with that hair” THAT HAIR? You mean my perfectly groomed hair that I managed to do with 2 children crawling up my leg, while the other played in the kitty litter like it was a sensory table at the museum, and the dog is running down the street because the invisible fence collar battery is dead, and the dinner I though I would cook incase the DMV line was long is burning, and someone has clearly shit their pants in my bathroom which now feels more like a small gas chamber, all while I pretend eat the meal my daughter just pretend cooked for me in her pretend kitchen, of which if you do not pretend eat with enthusiasm she spins off into a total emotional meltdown. This hair looks pretty damn good considering. “No thank you” I politely declined her offer to go to the bathroom. She points me in the direction of the camera, which by the way is sitting on a table, a normal table while you stand against the background thing. I thought I would point out that the camera seemed to low to get a good shot, nobody looks good in the fishbowl lens floor angle. She snaps the picture, its horrible. I look her in the eye and say, I don’t want that picture, I just want the old one that I look so YOUNG in please. She makes me take another one. Its horrible too. The old farmer guy, still sitting waiting, witnessing this all, says thats a good one young lady. I politely say mind your own business you cant see anything your 100 years old thank you sir, but from where I’m standing its pretty awful. The women proceeds to get up and go to her purse and grabs her scarf and tries to put it on me, EWW do not put your scarf on me I am a low grade germ phob, gross. I say low grade because I’m really not a germ phob, but more of a gross people phob. She wasn’t even gross but her attitude was so I wanted to make her feel like she was. She puts the scarf away, she takes 6 more pictures, all gross, I ask her to put the camera on a stack of books, I know if she just takes the picture from the proper angle I would be happy with it. She wont do it. At this point another DMV worker comes from around the corner and explains to me how to angle my chin down, and put my shoulders back. Ten shots later, and I was partially satisfied, mostly exhausted and settled on one.

29 sucks.

I’ll post pictures when I get the new license so you can compare.

My latest rant issue though, is directed at none other than my kids pediatric dentist. I won’t name names, because we are still using her, but not for long, and believe me when I get out of that office I’m writing a letter. Here’s who she is, first of all let me start by saying she’s definitely your text book everything-in-my-world-is-perfectly-matched-perfectly-placed- type of broads. I am not sure if she is married but my best guess would be NO, she makes reference to her six year olds perfect teeth often though, my guess is sperm bank. She definitely wears the pants in life though, and to be honest thats not what offends me about her, what offends me is she is a “man pleaser” which if you know me is seriously my worst enemy in this world. I have an inner hippie, (my husband hates her) I was a flower child in another life, I am not a feminist, but I love my fellow sisters in this world. Women are powerful, amazing, strong, beautiful people. We run the world. This dentist lady broad ruins it all for me. This all started a few weeks ago. I notified Kody that I would be going shopping, I had a babysitter for the baby, and that he was going to be taking Bristol and Carter to the Dentist. STOP it, I was shopping for Christmas presents for the kids, not myself. Also I don’t care for the dentist remember, she’s never been real nice to me. I get a frantic phone call halfway through my shopping trip from Kody, stating that “there are cavities”. Naturally I was upset, what the hell! We have excellent dental hygiene in this household, excellent I tell ya. We all brush morning, and night, sometimes in the afternoon, I love whisps, and dental floss, and listerine zero (less burn). I spend way to much time in the toothbrush isle looking at all the floss, and brushes, and examining kids products. No lie, I almost bought all of us our own personal tooth brush sanitizers for Christmas (this before I heard about the cavities). The bottom line is, teeth are important. period. And the dentist is no fun, ESPECIALLY not this one. So anyways, Bristol had a few surface cavities that didn’t really mean anything, they won’t even need fillings, they just need to be monitored, Carter on the other hand had to make an appointment for a filling. Kody explained how this broad told him that some kids have genetic problems, (if thats the case they come from his family not mine) some kids don’t digest food properly, some kids have soft teeth, some teeth are too close together, some too far apart she basically went on trying to make Kody feel better about it like as if it in NO way was his fault. She sounds nice doesn’t she. Let me point out I wasn’t there. Well lets jump to today, filling day. Carter took it like a champ, he took the laughing gas like his mother, a pro deep inhales, he laid up there so still enjoying the ride, I was proud of him. Kody and I watched it all go down, then Kody stepped out to take a phone call and doesn’t that broad finish up the tooth and come over to me and give me the nastiest look, and point out that cavities at this age are not the childs fault, and its a shame to see a child in for a filling so young, and how I need to be more observant of what my kid is eating and how he is brushing. OMG I was floored. Kody said she wasn’t at all worried she even said it could be genetic. YEAH genetically his shitty mothers fault. I wanted to take the spit sucker and suction her face off. I was mortified. What a MAN pleaser. It would be just like a typical “man pleaser” to make him feel okay, no not even okay, she made him feel downright good about the kids cavity, then when he walks out and she reads me the riot act. 

Normally Kody thinks I have a conspiracy theory (the hippie) but even he agrees that she treats me different. She was probably intimidated by my awesome new boots. She has a six year old daughter that may not ever have a cavity, but she will probably be on the next season of 13 and pregnant, because thats just how the cookie crumbles my friend. Don’t forget that Dr. Man Pleaser Broad.

*Broad = Bitch 

feel free to go back and read the uncensored version.

I’m impressed. What say you?

I am anxious for 2012, turning 29 and big wheels are turning folks, I have lots in store for this year.

Best moments of 2011
Can’t pick just one, watching my kids grow and become little people everyday has been a gift

Worst Moment 2011
I fell in a large fresh pile of dog poo mid March

Most embarrassing moment 2011
Toss up between two
1. Going to the bank drive thru to cash a somewhat large check, getting VERY distracted by the young handsome sort of looked like Enrique bank man that when he asked me and I quote “how do you want it back Mrs. Sprague” I replied with “cash”
Someone please dig a hole for me to shamelessly crawl in, I deserved it.

2. While shopping at a grocery store, not my local stores of which I know where everything is I was looking for marshmallow fluff, I couldn’t find it it’s usually by the the peanut butter what the hell. Any-who I saw a serial shopper, you know those people who have a Rolodex of coupons and they hang their six packs over the edge of the cart to conserve space. They are true professionals. Well not taking into account that she was morbidly obese I walked right up to her, because she looked like a professional I want to stress that THAT was the reason and I say “you look like someone who might know where the marshmallow fluff is, could you point me in the direction” words won’t sufficiently describe the look I received, but in all fairness she grabbed her McDonald’s cup and waddled past me. Never did find the fluff that day.

There’s more but these two distinctly stick out in my mind for some reason.

I have no resolutions for 2012 just to keep on keepin on and make everyday count. You never know when this might be your last day. Set your intentions before your feet hit the ground each day and be a person of your word. Give when you can, and take when your in need, be a good friend. Forgive. Protect your family. Love freely. Happy New Year!

Pathetic.

I am aware. I have NOTHING nor have I ever had anything to ever cry about. What a brat. I would cry because I had anxiety opening gifts and feeling like my reaction had to be perfect. How do you react to socks, or bubble bath from Walmart (vagina infection in a jar)? As a child Christmas was built up in my head, perhaps by my very own doing as this day that topped all days. When I was done opening said socks, and infectious bubble baths I felt a heavy sadness that the day was over. All of that build up and its done, 364 more days, someone get out the construction paper and glue this year we are doing a chain link for the whole damn year. That isn’t even the hard part, next comes the immediate need to put every last thing away in its rightful spot. Vagina infection on the shelf in bathroom with the last 7 years of vagina infections, socks with current socks, hang all clothing, organize all jewelry, toys, shoes, etc. Fast forward to a few days ago, 3 kids, husband, dog, kitten my house is a DISASTER. Its not the mess per say that sends me over the edge, I can handle a little mess, its just the abundance of new things paired with the abundance of old things and the lack of space to house all of these things. Okay….its the mess. I can’t take it. Look I said this was a bad time for my inner Type A personality. The good news is I made it out, we are clearly on the other side of this debacle. Its December 27th, we are all alive. If you would have asked Kody yesterday, December 26th at 6:30AM while I kindly encouraged him (barked) to get the friggen tree down and put all things Christmas away immediately he probably would have told you at least one of us was going to die. Yes, our house was completely de-Christmased by 8:15am on December 26th. I couldn’t be happier.

Christmas 2011-

Best gift-new boots that i have been admiring for some time (award goes to Kody)

Worst gift- SORRY MOM seriously though as if my anxiety wasn’t enough to send me to an early grave and you buy me lighted tweezers??? so now not only do i see every single god loving hair in my brow, but i swear they are x-ray lighted tweezers so not only do I see the current hairs, I can see the hairs that are on their way up and out, but NOT yet ready to be tweezed. I was in the bathroom for an hour and a half Christmas night tweezing, earlier that day I wouldn’t even have known those little hairs existed. Ignorance is bliss mom. (award goes to Bonnie)

Hope nobody else received light up tweezers.