Dear Bristol
30 Jan 2012 7 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: good husband, lincoln logs, marriage, preservatives, rearranging furniture, toilet paper
There are some things I want my daughter to know.
As your mother, I take great pride in the fact that I can walk right into our (your dad’s and I) bathroom which from no matter where you stand you can see if the toilet paper is full or empty, sit my little tush right down on that pot knowing full well that the roll is empty, act suddenly surprised (we keep the toilet paper on the other side of the house) and know with 100% confidence your dad will happily run to get me a refill. Marry that kind of man.
When mommy reads an article regarding some new additive, preservative or ingredient that I wasn’t previously aware of and is found in “most foods” and decides to on a monthly or even sometimes bi-weekly basis take a large contractor garbage bag into the pantry, and to the fridge/freezer because its poison to our bodies. Then insist I have another grocery shopping allowance (even though I just went two days ago) because we simply aren’t eating that shit, and he just smiles and say’s “ok”. Marry that kind of man.
Marry the kind of man that understands your obsession and uncontrollable need to rearrange furniture on a daily basis, and the kind of man that just knows he better notice and comment on said new arrangement, even if its exactly the way it was the day before, you know, before he you rearranged it last night at 11:45pm.
Marry the kind of man that will change diapers, give bathes, do dishes, do laundry, that understands that darks and lights ARE different, who understands the value of an on demand hot water tank so you can shower for 2 long hot hours if you should desire, marry the man that can brush your daughters hair, the kind of man who cooks dinner and rubs feet. If its Friday night and your children are taking a bath together and someone yell’s “LINCOLN LOG” and if he’s good enough to scoop the lincoln logs (because your simultaneously crying and gagging about your Friday night) he’s good enough to marry. Marry a lincoln log scooper, you don’t want to go it alone, trust me.
Marry someone who lets you run wild with your dreams and the credit card sometimes. But not someone who will ever say “I told you so” (even if he did). Marry the kind of man that doesn’t miss a t-ball game, or gym class, that values your time as a family, and that enjoys eating a meal together. Even if spaghettis is hanging from the chandelier. Marry a man that knows how to lead, and follow. Do NOT marry a man that raises his voice to you, ever. If he can play pirates and princess’s all at the same time, and keep everyone happy. He is a keeper.
Marry a man who buys valentines, carves pumpkins, colors easter eggs, builds snowmen, wraps christmas presents and picks out transformers and dora wrapping paper all by himself. It’s okay if you have to schedule your entire Sunday around the NFL, he deserves a little slack here and there 
It won’t be easy every single day but it will be worth it every single day!
When you wake up each morning and he looks at you and says “what can I do to make today a better day for you” smile, and know without doubt that you have married the right man.
Update
18 Jan 2012 6 Comments
Update, we now have a new dentist and I couldn’t be happier! Colton had his first appointment today he and Bristol both left with balloon animals, the new male dentist complimented my winter boots, and it was agreed that Colton is perfect. Looks like I’ve found my guy!
I can’t wait to call for Carter’s x-ray from the old dentist I’ll make sure I tactfully let them know how much I dislike her.
On a more somber note, my new license came today. The picture is less than flattering and I really don’t see my so called “aging”
Whatever.
The delightful DMV
11 Jan 2012 4 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: 29th Birthday, DMV, worst job in america
I had a birthday this past weekend, 29! I feel kind of old, I mean I realize that 29 is hardly considered old, but its oh so close to 30, which definitely is knocking on the door to terms like older, middle aged, washed up, and so on. For a few months prior to my birthday I was a little anxiety ridden over the big 29, but after awhile I accepted it and realized I am doing okay for an almost 30 year old. I’ve managed to find a man who puts up with me , makes enough money to support my shoe addiction, loves me unconditionally, the kids, dog, cat, house. Life is pretty good for someone who is NOT yet 30. So after considering all the circumstances I was basically over it. Basically….that was until I had to go to the DMV to renew my drivers license. Here in our town we have a traveling DMV, that comes to the town building every Thursday. Easy enough, I gathered the necessary documents, arranged a babysitter, and off I went. I had somewhere to be after the DMV that required me to actually get dressed that day (thank God), I even put some make-up on and had my hair done (somewhat). To my surprise there was only one person in line ahead of me, a little old farmer man, cute as a button he was. He was sitting waiting because the credit card machine was down at the moment. As I approached the table, the unfriendly DMV lady, (you know they are ALWAYS unfriendly) because they have the worst job in the world right?
don’t ask these ladies though… 
hmmm? you be the judge.
So anyways the less than pleasant lady, gives me the usual, you stupid f*@k, why don’t you have the proper paperwork attitude/glare. I assure her I did have my proper paperwork, signed, sealed, delivered, which I am convinced pissed her off further since she now has no reason to be rude to me. Oh but if only it were that easy. She proceeds to look at my old license which was issued when I was married 4 years ago, let me point out that there was a new picture taken at that time as well. She looks at my license, then up at me, then back at the license, she does this for a 30 seconds, and then says, “its our discretion (our? you mean YOUR do you have a mouse in your pocket? bitch) anyways, its our discretion to require you to have a new photo done when you’ve aged enough to deem your current identification out of date” YOU SLUT. That was all I could think. Now she is digging. She then directed me to the bathroom because she said “obviously you’ll want to do something with that hair” THAT HAIR? You mean my perfectly groomed hair that I managed to do with 2 children crawling up my leg, while the other played in the kitty litter like it was a sensory table at the museum, and the dog is running down the street because the invisible fence collar battery is dead, and the dinner I though I would cook incase the DMV line was long is burning, and someone has clearly shit their pants in my bathroom which now feels more like a small gas chamber, all while I pretend eat the meal my daughter just pretend cooked for me in her pretend kitchen, of which if you do not pretend eat with enthusiasm she spins off into a total emotional meltdown. This hair looks pretty damn good considering. “No thank you” I politely declined her offer to go to the bathroom. She points me in the direction of the camera, which by the way is sitting on a table, a normal table while you stand against the background thing. I thought I would point out that the camera seemed to low to get a good shot, nobody looks good in the fishbowl lens floor angle. She snaps the picture, its horrible. I look her in the eye and say, I don’t want that picture, I just want the old one that I look so YOUNG in please. She makes me take another one. Its horrible too. The old farmer guy, still sitting waiting, witnessing this all, says thats a good one young lady. I politely say mind your own business you cant see anything your 100 years old thank you sir, but from where I’m standing its pretty awful. The women proceeds to get up and go to her purse and grabs her scarf and tries to put it on me, EWW do not put your scarf on me I am a low grade germ phob, gross. I say low grade because I’m really not a germ phob, but more of a gross people phob. She wasn’t even gross but her attitude was so I wanted to make her feel like she was. She puts the scarf away, she takes 6 more pictures, all gross, I ask her to put the camera on a stack of books, I know if she just takes the picture from the proper angle I would be happy with it. She wont do it. At this point another DMV worker comes from around the corner and explains to me how to angle my chin down, and put my shoulders back. Ten shots later, and I was partially satisfied, mostly exhausted and settled on one.
29 sucks.
I’ll post pictures when I get the new license so you can compare.
Nasty Dentist
10 Jan 2012 3 Comments
I got an iPad for Christmas and immediately downloaded the wordpress app, SO excited to be able to blog from bed, and to have the freedom to blog when I felt it necessary to prove someone wrong, put them in their place etc.. The problem is, since using the app on my iPad its been nothing but a streak of bad luck, I spent hours writing a few blogs, even editing them, and they were all deleted. I have been on strike.Anyways, I am no longer pissed about it anymore, I believe in fate and perhaps you weren’t meant to delve in to those parts of my brain withe me.
My latest rant issue though, is directed at none other than my kids pediatric dentist. I won’t name names, because we are still using her, but not for long, and believe me when I get out of that office I’m writing a letter. Here’s who she is, first of all let me start by saying she’s definitely your text book everything-in-my-world-is-perfectly-matched-perfectly-placed- type of broads. I am not sure if she is married but my best guess would be NO, she makes reference to her six year olds perfect teeth often though, my guess is sperm bank. She definitely wears the pants in life though, and to be honest thats not what offends me about her, what offends me is she is a “man pleaser” which if you know me is seriously my worst enemy in this world. I have an inner hippie, (my husband hates her) I was a flower child in another life, I am not a feminist, but I love my fellow sisters in this world. Women are powerful, amazing, strong, beautiful people. We run the world. This dentist lady broad ruins it all for me. This all started a few weeks ago. I notified Kody that I would be going shopping, I had a babysitter for the baby, and that he was going to be taking Bristol and Carter to the Dentist. STOP it, I was shopping for Christmas presents for the kids, not myself. Also I don’t care for the dentist remember, she’s never been real nice to me. I get a frantic phone call halfway through my shopping trip from Kody, stating that “there are cavities”. Naturally I was upset, what the hell! We have excellent dental hygiene in this household, excellent I tell ya. We all brush morning, and night, sometimes in the afternoon, I love whisps, and dental floss, and listerine zero (less burn). I spend way to much time in the toothbrush isle looking at all the floss, and brushes, and examining kids products. No lie, I almost bought all of us our own personal tooth brush sanitizers for Christmas (this before I heard about the cavities). The bottom line is, teeth are important. period. And the dentist is no fun, ESPECIALLY not this one. So anyways, Bristol had a few surface cavities that didn’t really mean anything, they won’t even need fillings, they just need to be monitored, Carter on the other hand had to make an appointment for a filling. Kody explained how this broad told him that some kids have genetic problems, (if thats the case they come from his family not mine) some kids don’t digest food properly, some kids have soft teeth, some teeth are too close together, some too far apart she basically went on trying to make Kody feel better about it like as if it in NO way was his fault. She sounds nice doesn’t she. Let me point out I wasn’t there. Well lets jump to today, filling day. Carter took it like a champ, he took the laughing gas like his mother, a pro deep inhales, he laid up there so still enjoying the ride, I was proud of him. Kody and I watched it all go down, then Kody stepped out to take a phone call and doesn’t that broad finish up the tooth and come over to me and give me the nastiest look, and point out that cavities at this age are not the childs fault, and its a shame to see a child in for a filling so young, and how I need to be more observant of what my kid is eating and how he is brushing. OMG I was floored. Kody said she wasn’t at all worried she even said it could be genetic. YEAH genetically his shitty mothers fault. I wanted to take the spit sucker and suction her face off. I was mortified. What a MAN pleaser. It would be just like a typical “man pleaser” to make him feel okay, no not even okay, she made him feel downright good about the kids cavity, then when he walks out and she reads me the riot act.
Normally Kody thinks I have a conspiracy theory (the hippie) but even he agrees that she treats me different. She was probably intimidated by my awesome new boots. She has a six year old daughter that may not ever have a cavity, but she will probably be on the next season of 13 and pregnant, because thats just how the cookie crumbles my friend. Don’t forget that Dr. Man Pleaser Broad.
*Broad = Bitch
feel free to go back and read the uncensored version.
Adios 2011
01 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: birth control, marshmallow fluff, Resolutions
See ya later 2011. I have no real complaints about 2011, all in all it was a good time. I turned 28 with vegetables being thrown at my head by Japanese cowboys, started hair school, went to Mexico with a great group of friends, watched my husband get a year older along with all three of my little loves! Celebrated some close friends weddings, watched Carter learn to swim and load the school bus for Kindergarten, Bristol gave herself a mullet, I graduated hair school, opened my salon, bought a new recliner added a kitten to the family Colton started walking and somehow, someway, by the grace of the powers that may be I managed to NOT get pregnant after what seems like a marathon of reproducing! Yay me!
I’m impressed. What say you?
I am anxious for 2012, turning 29 and big wheels are turning folks, I have lots in store for this year.
Best moments of 2011
Can’t pick just one, watching my kids grow and become little people everyday has been a gift
Worst Moment 2011
I fell in a large fresh pile of dog poo mid March
Most embarrassing moment 2011
Toss up between two
1. Going to the bank drive thru to cash a somewhat large check, getting VERY distracted by the young handsome sort of looked like Enrique bank man that when he asked me and I quote “how do you want it back Mrs. Sprague” I replied with “cash”
Someone please dig a hole for me to shamelessly crawl in, I deserved it.
2. While shopping at a grocery store, not my local stores of which I know where everything is I was looking for marshmallow fluff, I couldn’t find it 
it’s usually by the the peanut butter what the hell. Any-who I saw a serial shopper, you know those people who have a Rolodex of coupons and they hang their six packs over the edge of the cart to conserve space. They are true professionals. Well not taking into account that she was morbidly obese I walked right up to her, because she looked like a professional I want to stress that THAT was the reason and I say “you look like someone who might know where the marshmallow fluff is, could you point me in the direction” words won’t sufficiently describe the look I received, but in all fairness she grabbed her McDonald’s cup and waddled past me. Never did find the fluff that day.
There’s more but these two distinctly stick out in my mind for some reason.
I have no resolutions for 2012 just to keep on keepin on and make everyday count. You never know when this might be your last day. Set your intentions before your feet hit the ground each day and be a person of your word. Give when you can, and take when your in need, be a good friend. Forgive. Protect your family. Love freely. Happy New Year!
light up tweezers?
27 Dec 2011 6 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: holiday anxiety, Tweezers, vagina infection
I’m back. I know you were all waiting on the edge of your seats for my next blog. Not to worry, I am here now. Just had to get through that few weeks leading up to what for me is the most anxiety ridden day of the entire year. I know, I know most people look to Christmas as this wonderful time to gather with family and friends, give and receive, eat and be merry. Not I. This is when my harnessed Type A personality comes unleashed and I lose ALL control. It’s sad really. It all starts in November, the past few years its been October. You know when they start making mention of Christmas, or that person on Facebook kindly lets you know you have 72 shopping days. Panic sets in, F@*k I don’t even have halloween costumes for the kids yet, where are we even having Thanksgiving, Christmas PJ’s, gifts for the numerous people on my list that have EVERYTHING, decorations, SOMEONE pay down the credit card, winter boots, winter jackets, NO pockets or zippers though Carter will have a meltdown, we need dog food, shit we got a cat now we need cat food too. Do you see where this is going for me? I don’t get a lot of quite time in this perfect little head of mine, but add the stress of Christmas to it all and its like a bad episode of Jerry Springer right in my medulla oblongata . Oh and the worst of all of the Christmas time fouls, are those of you who decide to send me a holiday card and I get it the day before Christmas XMAS FOUL on you. Don’t do that, especially if I didn’t send you one. Trying to send me a little holiday zinger. Hmpf. Next year I am sending New Years cards so don’t even test me. Ok back to the topic at hand. I don’t feel like I am a good gift giver, and I know for sure I am a terrible receiver. As a matter of fact thats where all the stress started for me at a young age. Until recently I used to cry every Christmas.
Pathetic.
I am aware. I have NOTHING nor have I ever had anything to ever cry about. What a brat. I would cry because I had anxiety opening gifts and feeling like my reaction had to be perfect. How do you react to socks, or bubble bath from Walmart (vagina infection in a jar)? As a child Christmas was built up in my head, perhaps by my very own doing as this day that topped all days. When I was done opening said socks, and infectious bubble baths I felt a heavy sadness that the day was over. All of that build up and its done, 364 more days, someone get out the construction paper and glue this year we are doing a chain link for the whole damn year. That isn’t even the hard part, next comes the immediate need to put every last thing away in its rightful spot. Vagina infection on the shelf in bathroom with the last 7 years of vagina infections, socks with current socks, hang all clothing, organize all jewelry, toys, shoes, etc. Fast forward to a few days ago, 3 kids, husband, dog, kitten my house is a DISASTER. Its not the mess per say that sends me over the edge, I can handle a little mess, its just the abundance of new things paired with the abundance of old things and the lack of space to house all of these things. Okay….its the mess. I can’t take it. Look I said this was a bad time for my inner Type A personality. The good news is I made it out, we are clearly on the other side of this debacle. Its December 27th, we are all alive. If you would have asked Kody yesterday, December 26th at 6:30AM while I kindly encouraged him (barked) to get the friggen tree down and put all things Christmas away immediately he probably would have told you at least one of us was going to die. Yes, our house was completely de-Christmased by 8:15am on December 26th. I couldn’t be happier.
Christmas 2011-
Best gift-new boots that i have been admiring for some time (award goes to Kody)
Worst gift- SORRY MOM seriously though as if my anxiety wasn’t enough to send me to an early grave and you buy me lighted tweezers??? so now not only do i see every single god loving hair in my brow, but i swear they are x-ray lighted tweezers so not only do I see the current hairs, I can see the hairs that are on their way up and out, but NOT yet ready to be tweezed. I was in the bathroom for an hour and a half Christmas night tweezing, earlier that day I wouldn’t even have known those little hairs existed. Ignorance is bliss mom. (award goes to Bonnie)
Hope nobody else received light up tweezers.
Resolution
07 Dec 2011 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: aging, new years resolution, regrets
Times goes by quickly. Yesterday I was stopped dead in my tracks and suddenly felt so heavy inside. I was letting the dog out the back door and something about the cold air reminded me of being a little girl, I can vividly remember our house on Summerway Lane it was one of those weird multi level homes that half of the house was underground it was like 3 levels or something. Anywho everyday my sister would wait for the bus (I wasn’t in school yet) and she would throw snowballs at me in the window. I loved it. Yesterday was a strange moment though because it felt for a second like the past 25 years flashed before my eyes when that cold air hit my face. I think it was the first time I felt like an adult. Like a real deal adult. In that moment I realized that you never get it back. I am turning 29 in a few weeks and for some reason its hitting me like a ton of bricks. I know I have a lot to be proud of, we aren’t doing so bad, 3 great kids, a nice home, a happy marriage. Still I can’t help but feel like I missed the boat on some things. Am I too old? Am I getting to old? I always wanted to be famous for something I wanted to be really great at something, not just good I mean GREAT. I wanted to be an actress for a very long time but always felt it wasn’t necessarily something to bank on. So I decided a career riding horses was much more bankable. dumbass.
I have never had a New Years resolution, wait let me rephrase I have never had a successful New Years resolution, last year my friend Little Miss Sunshine and I had a bet who could go the longest without using bad language. January 2nd thats how long I went. I’m just keeping it real. She insists she went longer then I did, I don’t f*in believe her.
So this year I am setting some goals, I don’t want to have regrets when I get older. Honestly I can remember when 30 seemed really old and I am one foot in the door. Hell, I am basically 2 feet in the door screaming “please don’t take me” fingernails dug into the door frame holding on for dear life not to get sucked in. I am not sure what my goals will be for 2012 any ideas?
I’m not afraid of failure what I am afraid of is the next time I open the back door to let the dog out and I get that blast of cold air and I realize I am 60. I’ve done alot the past 29 years, I like the pace, and I want to keep up.
